I was really happy for a little bit today...when Micah was over. He kind of helped me ignore some of the yelling that was going on between greg and morgan and... I dont know. I just feel so content right now; I've only been away from him for a few hours, and I miss him. Talking to him isn't enough anymore; I want to see him more often then I have been ( Only on Tuesdays.... it makes me tres emo. )

So. yeah.

I know, I posted earlier but I just feel like i'm falling apart, and i really can't stop myself....One a, a c, and three D's....I'm getting three fucking D's, and I just got back from an Acedemic Award ceremony where I got presented with a certificate for having excellent grades...it just doesnt feel right to me anymore. I feel cheated, or something...I dont even know. I dont think my homework habits have changed much...i really dont think they have. Its bothering me. Maybe I'm just stressed and crazy because of how it is here at home. Maybe I shouldn't put the blame on that. I'm glad....kinda, that no one really reads this. It lets me put my thoughts and feelings out here and stuff...guess you guys stopped checking it a while ago, huh?  I dont blame you....I checked yours today, for the first time in a while too. I read 'em, and stuff.

I decided I should check them more often, beacuse you guys usually post more meaningful stuff than I sure do. I mean, usual their pretty short like this one is probably gonna be. Maybe I'll just be all "go read my xanga biznatches!" or something, then the next day brush off your "I LOVE YOU I AM SO SORRY T_T" comments like nothing's wrong and we'll go on with our lives...

I want...things to be different, but I'm pretty content with where I am in some points of my life. I just...dont know what i'm doing anymore, or what I want to get done in my short life here on earth. Maybe my goal is to just....die here. I dont know. 

I was thinking about our house, and I kinda gave everyone a disorder.

Morgan: Suicidal Fourth Grader
Sarah: Bitchy, snobby fifth grader,
Me: Quiet teenager
Mom: Workaholic
Jason: The loud one
Greg: The dumbass.

My mom isn't really a workaholic, see. She just works alot, and when she comes home I dont see her alot. I'm always hiding away in my room, so its like I have my own home. I'm aiming for a mini fridge next. That'd be sweet, right? Teehee. Um.... This post is longer than I thought, I guess, since I'm just typing whatever the hell comes to mind. Whatever the hell comes to...

I can't tell you, what hotel I am staying at.
All I know is...

there are two trees invovled.

Haha. my favorite. I watched it when I got home from the academic awards, just to make myself feel better.

I almost witnessed a car crash today, someone back out too fast without looking and the other person hit the brakes and I was like "O_O" Oh dear. so. I was just like. I kinda...dont want to go to school tomorrow. I want to rest, for a day...but I can't, if I rest for a day, I'll be even farther behind in school...I'm so pissed at myself for letting my grades slip so far....they wont be back up by the end of the quarter...there's no way...its just not possible....i've been writing this for a half an hour and I"m just done with everything; I think I'm just kinda depressed right now....I've got that feeling of "I can't do anything right," -- "I should just quit now," -- "Who needs me anyways?" ... I wish I weren't so depressing sometimes. I really...just....want to get away. Move, vacation, skip school for a few days....I'll use Spring Break for that...Yes...I would so....love it....

It could be just me, and the friends I wish to keep near me: Amber, Mary, Kaely....and my internet friends, of course. ( Well, and Micah's a no-duh, that is, if he's even here for spring break. Maybe he'll be in Mexico...)

The new Bullet for my Valentine Single is really nice. He's got a lovely voice, even though he screams a little. Its part acoustic, and I love the sound of acoustic, mixed in with rock. And the notes are easy to sing, beacuse its not too high...does he have a nice voice or what?

But I think it describes how I have been feeling....

Run away, try to find that safe place you can hide; Its the best place to be when you're feeling like....

....Me....

Sometimes I think my home-life is stressful.

NO DUH?

But sometimes i think it could be worse.
But there are times I think its bad...really bad.

I dont know what to think about this house anymore. I want to be here, but I want to be gone.

I just....

My sister can't do anything on her god-damn own. Bitching at me instead of asking me where something is.

Crying, glaring at me, "WHERES MY BIKE?!"

IF YOU HOLD ON A GODDAMN MINUTE WITHOUT BURSTING A BLOOD VESSEL I'LL TELL YOU!!!

But goddamn. She just pisses me off so easily in the wrong fucking way.

I've been really paranoid lately, and its really unusual for me, I guess. I've had a really shitty few days and this weekend isn't going to do anything good for me. I feel stressed beyond beleif and there really isn't anything I can do about it. Taking a mental-health-day from school wont do anything for me, I'll just fall even farther behind and I'll freak-the-fuck out. I want to hang with friends, but guess what? i can't. My room is a disaster. I want to leave, but its also my mom's birthday. I dont wanna ask her if I can go to a friends to party away from her on her birthday.

Back to the paranoia...I guess its going back to the death-shit again, and I'm having a hard time falling asleep because of it. I ran two miles almost straight on Thursday and I crashed right after for a few hours, so I should do that more often. Wish we had a treadmill. But, something came up today and I was really, really kinda freaking out. I dont know how to like, explain this without sounding...I dont even know.

I invited Micah over for my mom's 'surprise' party ( which failed, btw ) and he said he couldn't come, but his text message had me a little like "Wtf?" it was all "I asked her mom if I could go but I dont think I could make it" I was wondering how he got hte 'her' and I was like 'Maybe its a typo!" but, a little bit ago I realized..."My" and "her" are pretty far appart in texting. I was freaking out, like...what if Micah is cheating on me? I knew he wouldn't, but I was just being so paranoid...even though I knew it couldn't be true, I was still freaking out a little. It isn't, thank god, atleast I hope not. He said he was at a tournament, ( I am guessing Magic ) and just yeah. I'm glad he's out with his friends having fun and stuff, but I hate my house. I hate it here, I wanna fucking go out and party without worrying about rides. I need my liscence, someone with a liscence that likes me, and I just....>_< I wish....

I dont even know anymore, just rambling and getting things out of my system. seriously.....

maybe I'll ask my mom if I can go, and see if someone at Fridays will come fetcheth me...and bring me home laters.....yeah...that'll be nice.....